So, a nice girl like you wants a boyfriend?

[Batman]

Alright, a quick question.

How many of you, despite believing that you are nice, is unable to get The Guy that you want and deserve, or is just frustratingly unsuccessful at it no matter what you seem to do.

Or that when things seem to be going along fine, he suddenly ups and runs or disappears, which leaves you wondering where and what went wrong.

Or that he seems to be Mr Popular and you're wondering the heck how to turn his head your way when you're the shy and retiring sort.

Or you're tired of only attracting the wrong crowd; players, cheaters, guys who're only interested in talking with your bosom and being bosom buddies with it or more, etc etc etc.

Or it seems like only the guys you're not interested in can't seem to be shaken off and on the other hand, you're trying to chase down the one you're interested in.

The list of "Ors" goes on.

If you'd like help from a guy's point of view on what will attract not just any guy, but The Guy, to yourself, just post here what you've been through or something you're going through.

I'll share some things I've learnt, or things that would work on a guy like me (e.g. what will attract and repel me) and attract him to you.

Remember, now's not the time to be shy to post, now's the time to take charge of your love life and aim for what you want.

[preciousangel]

Batman,

You really do sound like the love guru here Haha..well to let the ball rolling i feel overall based on what my friends have said n from my personal judgement,yes i fall into that unfortunate category of being a nice girl but still single..
In my case no matter what questions i have asked it doesn't give me an answer,it is that complicated..
I am not sure if u remember my story,but if you dont mind hearing it,here goes:
2 yrs back i saw my friend's friend's profile ( ok it was he who checked out my proffy on the networking website n i clicked on his profile back) and from there i just added him n he added me back..i gave him some messages online,found him decent n friendly n added him back etc..
Then over time msn,facebook(he added me on that),then sms..but each time i initiated the convos myself and the best thing is we have not met at all in person n i am in love with him..
it is so weird i know n stupid too but over time as i got to know him well i started taking notice of his qualities many of which were admirable: he loves his family n treats them well,he loves his friends too,when i was in trouble with some stalker problems he did his best to help me and i found that sweet..basically he is a decent person and when i finally wanted to meet up with him n asked him out( yes i had the guts to do that despite being the shyest gal in my group),he agreed over the phone but later rejected the meetup saying that he is not comfy to meet people from online..
I am not sure why he said that but he is a friendly n outgoing dude,i do see his female friends asking him out on a one to one basis n he readily agrees..but maybe he said like that that time coz' he was dating someone..
You know it just sucks completely i mean this one sided nonsense because there is only so much i can do on my part i even asked him out..i know i cannot force someone to love me that's just stupid..i really do want to move on but i feel there is this missing link somewhere in the puzzle and that's because i have not seen him in person at all,i think i will get some closure if i see him actually..but how should i go about doing it? Maybe he still likes the girl he dated,since from his FB updates he says he finds it difficult to move on etc..but i am not sure what's exactly going on in his mind?
You know he jokingly told me to help search a girl for him,n he gave me some list of qualities n deep inside it sounded like he it is describing me..
1) shy: check 2) knows how to cook n doesn't mind making breakfast(he is slightly mcp): check 3) feminine n nice: check
And bla bla i just feel abit sad that because the whole thing is online he has never n probably will never understand my love for him,i know i cannot force him to love me but how do i at least make him realise i am not some bad person that he has to be uncomfy with?
Gosh so sorry for the uber long post!!!

[princess101]

yup thAT nice sure would be me. never been given the chance to meet the right one or he is just not that into me.

[jannygirl]

Batman, Your introduction was very well-written!

Fortunately or unfortunately, I don't have any stories of my own to tell so I won't be "consulting" you! Ahahahahaha......

But I would try to help you answer some of the posts or questions here as much as I can. Ahahahahaha......

Thanks very much, Batman, for your efforts at helping the cotters here!

I'm very, very happy to know that you are kind enough to do that!

[Batman]

Hi preciousangel!

Haha, am always a student, never a master/guru. Acknowledging that I am a master will only lead me to believe that I need no further improvement.

Anyway, to address your post with a few basic guidelines.

1) You are The Prize and you have to acknowledge and know that.

2) The Prize, under no circumstances, appears the slightest bit needy.

This means:

- No initiating of conversations every time. He should initiate 80-90% of the conversations.

- No initiating of meeting on the first date. That should be left to the guy. You do not want to appear desperate, even if you're not!

These are to keep his interest levels up. Taking the first steps on your part means that he already has you wrapped around his little finger. Not having had to do anything to chase you will cause disinterest in you.

Men LOVE the chase, you have to realize that.

You can't force him to love you, but what you can do is to guide him into loving you.

As jannygirl has advised before, be nonchalant, be bochup, show little or no interest in him.

Ever wondered why sometimes you've guys whom you've totally no interest in and chasing you like crazy and not giving up? Simply because you're not interested in them!

Since he is outgoing and has admirable qualities etc as what you've described, chances are that he has a group of girls who're hovering around him, but what you're doing makes you stand out from the crowd, simply because you're not paying any attention to him and giving the impression that you're not interested even if he has all those admirable qualities.

Regarding preparing breakfast and/or cooking breakfast for him, do that only weeks or months into the relationship, that's only when he'll feel REALLY special.

Trickle down the perks and good stuff to him, don't give it all in one shot. That will keep him working to try to get you to think that he's special enough for you to cook and do special things for him.

3) Have confidence in yourself. A guy likes a girl that has confidence because he will consciously or unconsciously read that she will not be super needy and clingy later on into the relationship.

Besides, a woman with confidence attracts A LOT of attention. Which guy won't want to be seen with a woman like that? In fact, he will feel very proud of it.

Hope this helps to salvage your situation somewhat!

P.S. I'll reiterate the no sex rule as a reminder.

Giving the guy sex early into the relationship is a recipe for disaster. Pretty soon, he will leave and you will end up feeling cheated and wondering why he left.

This is because you've dealt your last and best card, leaving him with little or no interest left in you because things came somewhat too easily.

So, its either no sex throughout, or make him work damn hard and long (no innuendos intended ) for it. That's the only way he'll ever treasure it and you especially.

You know how the saying goes; Men give love to have sex and women give sex to have love.

However, what happens when a woman gives sex early on to have love? The man will then feel that since he's already gotten sex, does he still have to give love?

Nothing that comes easy will be treasured nor appreciated.

[Batman]

yup thAT nice sure would be me. never been given the chance to meet the right one or he is just not that into me.

Hmm.. he's just not that into you means that you've found the "he" already?

[Batman]

Batman, Your introduction was very well-written!

Fortunately or unfortunately, I don't have any stories of my own to tell so I won't be "consulting" you! Ahahahahaha......

But I would try to help you answer some of the posts or questions here as much as I can. Ahahahahaha......

Thanks very much, Batman, for your efforts at helping the cotters here!

I'm very, very happy to know that you are kind enough to do that!

Haha, thanks jannygirl! Just repaying back for the hospitality that I've received from cotters.

Appreciate your help too!

[Batman]

Some first date no-nos:

- Discussing sensitive issues that will eventually involve a debate and/or turn into an argument. No guy in his right mind likes a quarrelsome woman.

- Talking about exs.

- Flaring up or showcasing a bad temper.

- Talking on and on and on about yourself. Give the guy a chance to ask questions and find out more about you. Talking constantly about yourself will switch his mind into autopilot or cruise control mode. End result? Little or no interest.

- Dressing like this:



BAD MOVE! Even if you've got it, you don't have to flaunt it. If you really absolutely have to, just a slight hint of cleavage is more than enough. Remember, less is more and more is less.

Its like receiving a present. The thrill is not so much in the present, but more in the unwrapping. Think about it and see if what I say is true.

It keeps the interest level UP. Dressing like that leaves nothing to the imagination, therefore, the interest level for you and especially for finding out more about your character, decreases.

The only kind of interest level that might increase, though, is sexual. And you definitely do not want that early into the relationship. The man will only view you as a slab of meat for him to stick his *cough* into.

I don't think that's the sort of man you want to attract, right?

Personally, I believe that a woman can turn heads even if she is covered up properly, as long as she carries herself well and dresses like she respects herself and her body and exudes confidence as a result of doing so.

[jannygirl]

Dear preciousangel,

Were you always initiating conversations and meetings with the man?

If you were, then I would advise you to back off.

Remember what I said about positive reinforcement training?

REWARD the behaviour that you like and IGNORE the behaviour that you don't like.

When the man first rejected your suggestion of a date, you should have just IGNORED him and WITHDRAWN IMMEDIATELY!

His subsequent response to your withdrawal would tell you whether or not he's really interested in you.

If the man came back and started to re-establish contact with you, then you could start to regard him as an ordinary friend.

Go slow and I mean, really, really slow.

Don't rush to elevate the status of the relationship. Don't rush to meet him.

And don't rush to tell the man anything and everything about you! Ahahahahaha......

Treat the man like you would an ordinary friend. (Think about how you would behave or talk in front of an ordinary male friend and just act accordingly!)

Don't ask him out under any circumstances! Let the man ask you out instead.

If the man really took the initiative to ask you out, then you could be sure that he's at least interested in you.

If the man NEVER tried asking you out, then I think that he's not really interested in you or he just regarded you as an ordinary friend.


Some people can only be very good friends and not more than that, you know.

Perhaps, the man only treats you as a very good friend? And he can't see you as his girlfriend? And that you have been placed in the "friends" category?

For many people, both male and female, it just takes the first few minutes or even seconds to size you up and put you in the relevant category (either "platonic friends" or "potential romantic interest" category).

Once you have been categorised as just a friend - albeit a very good one - it's very hard for you to be seen in a new light or as a potential romantic interest!

From what you wrote, I think that the man most probably regarded you as a very good friend only.


However if you want to know, once and for all, where you stand with the man, you must WITHDRAW IMMEDIATELY!

Disappear from his life and CUT OFF ALL CONTACT with the man.

This includes ALL forms of communication like the phone, sms, email, msn, facebook, friendster etc. ABSOLUTELY NO CONTACT!

FORGET about the man and go about your own life as if you had never known such a man at all!

Focus on your own well-being, your career, your studies, your hobbies, interests, family and friends, ANYTHING EXCEPT HIM!

Bottomline: BE HAPPY and ENJOY your life without the man.


What if the man NEVER came back to re-establish contact with you? Or what if the man NEVER initiated a meeting with you?

Then it just means that he's most probably NOT the right man for you and you move on because you know you want ONLY the right man!

[You may want to remain just ordinary friends with him if the two of you are agreeable with that but please make sure you don't see him as a potential romantic interest anymore!]

Remember the most important thing you must do is to: Treat the man as if he's just an ordinary friend to you!


preciousangel, If you want to maximise the chances of getting the outcome that you want for the relationship, please keep the following points in mind (which are actually applicable to ALL relationships!):

1. Treat relationships as a learning journey. Focus on enjoying the journey instead of arriving at the destination.

2. Adopt and maintain a "nonchalant" or "don't care so much" attitude.

3. DON'T be attached to the outcome of the relationship.

4. Principle of "feeling" statements: ALWAYS be open and honest about your feelings with your partner. VOICE OUT your feelings and NOT ACT OUT those feelings!

5. "Positive reinforcement training": REWARD the behaviour that you like and IGNORE the behaviour that you don't like.

6. Be open to the possibility that the man MAY or may NOT be the right one for you. Whatever the truth is, ACCEPT it and act accordingly.

7. Be present and happy in the here and now. The thing that you really have now is the present - this very moment!

[ALL the above "rules" and "principles" are interrelated and have been covered in detail in many of my posts in the "All about Relationships, SO, BF" thread, like post #13354 on page 891 and post #13903 on page 927. Kindly refer to them if you are interested!]


preciousangel, I hope that you would know what to do now and eventually get the outcome that you want!

Wish you happiness!


Yours sincerely,
Janny

[jannygirl]

yup thAT nice sure would be me. never been given the chance to meet the right one or he is just not that into me.

Care to share your story, princess101? Ahahahahaha......

[jannygirl]

Haha, thanks jannygirl! Just repaying back for the hospitality that I've received from cotters.

Appreciate your help too!

You are most welcome, Batman! Ahahahahaha......

I would gladly contribute wherever possible! Ahahahahaha......

[dietgal]

I'm VERY shy, so I seldom even talk to guys. But I know this guy, he'sthe only one I've been really comfortable with - able to play, talk and laugh together.

Then one day I suddenly feel repulsive to him and I did avoid him... But a month later he's leaving for aussie and I really want to talk to him again but this time I feel that he's avoiding me instead. I asked one of my friend who talked to him, and she said he told her that I'm avoiding him. Oh well...

So for two years I saw him sometimes when he's on holiday and came back to singapore, but we never talked again. That's once I saw him when I went to meet my friends who had an outing with him (their cca outing) and he seems to be avoiding me AGAIN.

Haven't talked to him for like 3 years already! I wanted to initiate a talk but I never did. We used to be so good, but... ):

Makes me sad.

[Batman]

On a date:

The topic of food.

If he asks if you'd like to eat anything in particular, acknowledge that he's trying to be a gentleman and asking your opinion rather than forcing his own upon you.

It can honestly be exceedingly excruciatingly irritating when, for example, I ask... and ask... and ask in one date alone, what the lady would like to eat, because I've had to make the choices the past few dates and chances are that she is going to give me the same answer she has given me for the previous dates; "Oh, anything la? You pick."

I'd just like her to make a decision, for once! I'm not dating a carpet for crying out loud!

Ok, look, the thing is, men like women who have a mind of their own. The last thing they want is a mindless drone. Being the nice lady that you are doesn't mean that you have to let him make the decisions every time. Having a mind of your own keeps him interested, not irritated.

If however, your date keeps making the decisions without asking you your views or where you'd like to go or what you'd like to do for the date, you're going out with the classic MCP.

Still think you want to continue going out with him if you really treasure yourself?

[Batman]

I'm VERY shy, so I seldom even talk to guys. But I know this guy, he'sthe only one I've been really comfortable with - able to play, talk and laugh together.

Then one day I suddenly feel repulsive to him and I did avoid him... But a month later he's leaving for aussie and I really want to talk to him again but this time I feel that he's avoiding me instead. I asked one of my friend who talked to him, and she said he told her that I'm avoiding him. Oh well...

So for two years I saw him sometimes when he's on holiday and came back to singapore, but we never talked again. That's once I saw him when I went to meet my friends who had an outing with him (their cca outing) and he seems to be avoiding me AGAIN.

Haven't talked to him for like 3 years already! I wanted to initiate a talk but I never did. We used to be so good, but... ):

Makes me sad.

Was there anything that caused your sudden feeling of repulsion to him and the subsequent avoidance?

[jannygirl]

Wow, Batman, your posts in this thread so far are all very good! Ahahahahaha......

Every one of them contains so much useful, practical and valuable information! Ahahahahaha......

I enjoyed reading all that you have written here very much and I COMPLETELY agree with everything that you have said here! Ahahahahaha......

In fact, I myself would be promoting what you have written in your reply to preciousangel, in your post regarding "first-date rules" and the one on ordering food during a date! Ahahahahaha......

Thanks very much, Batman, for your informative posts!

I'm very, very happy about what you have done here! Ahahahahaha......